Perfectionism: When High Standards Start to Cost More Than They Give
It looks like ambition. It feels like pressure. And it never quite lets you rest.
You've probably been called driven, detail-oriented, or "someone who really cares about getting things right." And those things may be true. But underneath the effort, there's something else. A quiet, relentless pressure that doesn't ease up even when the work is done. A voice that says it could have been better. A sense that whatever you just accomplished wasn't quite enough.
If that pattern sounds familiar, this page is for you. Not to tell you to stop caring. But to help you see the difference between the striving that serves you and the pressure that's slowly wearing you down.
Healthy striving and anxiety-driven perfectionism are not the same thing
There's an important distinction here, and it often gets lost.
Healthy striving comes from a genuine desire to do meaningful work, to grow, to create something you're proud of. It allows for mistakes. It includes rest. And when the work is done, there's space to feel satisfied, even briefly, before moving on.
Anxiety-driven perfectionism is different. It's not fueled by desire. It's fueled by fear. Fear of being judged. Fear of getting it wrong. Fear that if you let anything slip, something bad will happen, even if you can't name what that something is.
With healthy striving, the effort feels like a choice. With perfectionism, it feels like a requirement. The bar keeps moving. The pressure doesn't ease. And the satisfaction, if it comes at all, lasts only a moment before the next thing demands your attention.
This is one of the reasons perfectionism is so closely tied to anxiety. It isn't really about standards. It's about safety. Somewhere along the way, your system learned that being perfect was the only reliable way to avoid criticism, rejection, or failure. And that belief has been running the show ever since.
The never enough pattern
One of the most defining features of perfectionism is the feeling that whatever you've done, it isn't quite enough.
You finish a project and immediately notice what could have been stronger. You receive a compliment and quietly dismiss it. You hit a goal and feel a brief flash of relief before the next one presses in.
This isn't ingratitude. It's a pattern. Your mind has been trained to scan for what's missing rather than what's there. The gap between where you are and where you think you should be never fully closes, because the target keeps moving.
You might notice this showing up as difficulty finishing things, because if it's not done perfectly, it feels like it shouldn't be done at all. Or as chronic overthinking, cycling through decisions long after they've been made, wondering if you chose wrong.
The "never enough" pattern is exhausting. Not because you're doing too much, but because nothing you do ever registers as complete.
It isn't really about standards. It's about safety. Your system learned that being perfect was the only reliable way to avoid rejection.
Where perfectionism comes from
Perfectionism usually has roots in early experience. Not always dramatic. Often subtle.
Maybe you grew up in a household where love and approval felt tied to performance. Where good grades were expected, not celebrated. Where mistakes were met with disappointment or withdrawal. The message didn't have to be spoken out loud. Children absorb what's modeled, and if the environment communicated that your worth depended on what you achieved, that lesson becomes deeply embedded.
Some people developed perfectionism in response to chaos or unpredictability. If things felt unstable, being perfect was a way to create control. If you couldn't control the environment, you could at least control yourself.
Others learned perfectionism in achievement-oriented systems. Schools, sports, workplaces, or families where excellence wasn't just encouraged but required. Where being good enough was never actually good enough.
These early experiences don't make you broken. They make the pattern understandable. And understanding where it started is often the first step toward loosening its hold.
How it shows up in your life
Perfectionism doesn't stay in one lane. Once the pattern is active, it tends to spread across everything.
At work
You might spend three hours on an email that should take ten minutes. You might avoid delegating because no one else will do it the way you would. You might say yes to more than you can hold because saying no feels like letting someone down. You might work late, not because the deadline requires it, but because the internal standard does.
Over time, this leads to burnout. Not because the workload is too heavy, but because the internal pressure never lets up.
In relationships
Perfectionism can show up as people-pleasing. Saying what you think the other person wants to hear. Avoiding conflict because the risk of being wrong feels too high. Holding yourself to impossible standards as a partner, a friend, a family member, and then feeling like you're failing at all of it. When this pattern extends into social settings more broadly, it can overlap with social anxiety, where the fear of judgment shapes how you show up everywhere.
It can also create distance. If you're afraid of being seen as imperfect, you may hold back the parts of yourself that feel messy, uncertain, or unfinished. And relationships can't deepen without those parts.
In parenting
This is where perfectionism often becomes most painful. The fear of doing it wrong gets amplified because the stakes feel so high. You might second-guess every decision. Compare yourself to other parents. Feel guilty for losing your patience, for not being present enough, for not being the parent you imagined you'd be.
The pressure to be a perfect parent is one of the fastest routes to emotional exhaustion. And the irony is that the effort to get it right can actually pull you further from the kind of presence and ease your children need most.
The procrastination paradox
This is one of the most misunderstood aspects of perfectionism. From the outside, procrastination looks like laziness or avoidance. But for perfectionists, it's often the opposite. It's the fear of doing something imperfectly that prevents you from starting at all.
If the only acceptable outcome is perfect, then beginning feels risky. Because once you start, you're exposed. The gap between what you want to create and what you're actually producing becomes visible. And for a system that has learned to equate imperfection with danger, that visibility feels threatening.
So you wait. You prepare. You research. You plan. And the deadline creeps closer, and the anxiety builds, and eventually you do the work in a compressed, high-pressure burst that confirms the belief that you can't function without the pressure.
Perfectionism creates the very problem it's trying to prevent. It causes the rushed work, the missed deadlines, the self-criticism. And then it blames you for not being disciplined enough to overcome it.
This cycle is not a character flaw. It's a high-functioning anxiety pattern that makes perfect sense once you understand what's driving it.
Perfectionism and burnout
Perfectionism and burnout are deeply connected. When your internal standard never allows for "good enough," your system never fully rests. Even when you stop working, the mental processing continues. The evaluating. The planning. The scanning for what might have been missed.
Over time, this chronic activation depletes your resources. Not just your time and energy, but your emotional capacity. Your ability to enjoy things. Your sense of perspective.
Burnout in perfectionists often doesn't look like collapse. It looks like pushing harder. Working more. Saying yes to more. Until the body finally forces a stop that the mind wouldn't allow.
If you've been running on perfectionism for a long time and you're starting to feel like the engine is giving out, that's not failure. That's your system telling you something needs to change.
Loosening the grip
Therapy for perfectionism isn't about lowering your standards. It's about understanding what's been driving them.
In individual therapy, we explore the beliefs underneath the pressure. The ones that say your worth depends on your output. That rest is earned, not given. That mistakes are evidence of something fundamentally wrong with you.
We also work with the body. Perfectionism holds itself in the body as tension, restlessness, and a nervous system that stays in a state of readiness. Somatic and relational approaches help you notice when the pressure is building and create space to respond differently, not by forcing calm, but by building the internal safety that lets your system settle on its own.
Over time, something shifts. Not dramatically. Quietly. You start finishing things without the agonizing review. You start resting without the guilt. You start making mistakes and discovering that the consequences your system predicted don't actually arrive.
The ambition doesn't disappear. The care doesn't go away. But the fear underneath softens. And what's left is effort that comes from choice rather than survival.
Leanne offers both in-person sessions in Kitchener-Waterloo and virtual therapy across Ontario.
Frequently Asked Questions
It is completely normal to have questions before reaching out.
Perfectionism and anxiety are closely linked. While perfectionism isn't a standalone diagnosis, it's one of the most common patterns that shows up alongside anxiety, particularly high-functioning anxiety. The drive to be perfect is often fueled by the same fear and nervous system activation that drives other forms of anxiety.
Yes. When your system never allows for "enough," it never fully rests. This chronic internal pressure is one of the most common pathways to emotional and physical burnout. Many people don't recognize the perfectionism underneath until the burnout forces them to stop.
No. Therapy doesn't remove your drive or your standards. It helps you understand what's fueling them so the effort can come from a place of choice rather than fear. Most people find they actually become more effective, not less, because the energy they were spending on self-criticism gets freed up.
You don't need to be in crisis to benefit from therapy. If the pattern is costing you rest, ease, or connection, even quietly, that's worth exploring. Many people start therapy for perfectionism not because it's ruining their life, but because they sense it could be better.
Leanne's approach is somatic, relational, and trauma-informed. That means we don't just talk about the pattern. We work with how it shows up in your body, in your relationships, and in the early experiences that shaped it. This often reaches layers that traditional talk therapy or cognitive strategies alone don't fully address.
Yes. Virtual therapy is available across Ontario. Many people find that online sessions integrate well into their routine without adding another source of pressure. In-person sessions are also available in Kitchener-Waterloo.
You don't have to earn the right to feel at ease
You've spent a long time making sure everything is right. Making sure no one can find fault. Making sure you're enough.
What if you already are?
Therapy won't take away the parts of you that care deeply and work hard. But it can help you set down the weight of needing to be perfect in order to be safe. And that shift, quiet as it is, changes everything.
If you're curious about what that might look like, you can book a free consultation. No pressure. No performance. Just a conversation about what you've been carrying and whether therapy might help.